Sugar and Spice
by its-quincest
Summary: Tegan and Sara are on their Sainthood tour. Will they be practicing their sainthood?
1. Chapter 1

Of course Tegan "forgot" to ask for separate hotel rooms. I knew what she was doing, as much as she denies it.

"Here we are" she said as she set her bags down to open the door. This is going to be a long tour if she kept this up. I couldn't do it. She knew that! I've told her…. Well, I've tried telling her anyway.

When Tegan opened the door I was surprised at what I saw. "You got two beds?" I asked.

"Well duh, Sara, I wasn't going to make you sleep with me", she said, totally sarcastically. I hate her. I set my bags on the bed closest to the door, in case I had to make a quick escape. "I'm going to the lobby for coffee. Want anything?"

"No thanks"

I left the room with a defeated sigh. If it were two years ago things would be completely different. I almost wished I still had Emy to keep my mind off of Tegan. As much as a bitch that makes me sound, it's true. She did keep my mind off of Tegan, if only in the daytime. Things were different now that Emy and I weren't together anymore, of course, but for some reason I didn't expect it. I'm so stupid. Why was Tegan even doing this now that she has Lindsey? I was hoping Lindsey would be our savior like Emy was for such a short time. But again I should just assume we're never going to find a "savior". Nobody could replace Tegan for me, just like nobody could replace me for Tegan.

I was thinking about Tegan and Lindsey when I ran into Ted. "How's your room?" I asked.

"Pretty nice. There's a bathtub that I'll gladly use tonight!" He laughed so I laughed once. "How's yours?" He asked.

"It's fine…. Two beds." That didn't come out as cheerful as it should have.

"Great! You won't have to deal with Tegan's stinky feet!" he laughed.

"Haha totally. Although I can probably smell them across the room if she wears those leather boots." I make a scrunched up face when I think about them.

"HA sorry! Oh, is the coffee good?"

"Psh hotel coffee is the best, haven't you heard?"

"Haha totally. I'm gunna go get some, talk to you later! Hey maybe if something good is on the tv tonight we can have a sleepover in your guys' room!" he says as he walks down the hall. I just smile and head into the elevator.

I forgot to bring a key so I knock once. "_Whooo is iiiiiit_?" Tegan sings.

"Me." I say. She opens the door and smiles, "darn!"

"Not funny" I say.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

I gesture to my cup. "It's gross"

"Aww man. Well, I mean, you can't expect much from hotel lobby coffee at 8 at night, am I right?"

True. I see she put some of her things in the bathroom. We got a bathtub too. "Ted says he's gunna take a bath tonight and then come over for a movie"

"Kay. We'll see what's on _Cinemax_." She winked.

"I was thinking more like '_Hallmark presents: sappy, crappy romance based on a sappy, crappy novel'_?"

She laughed "Sounds good. I'm gunna hop in the shower."

"Ok- oh wait. Just a second." I unzip my bag and take out my toiletry bag. "Put this in there will you"

She takes it and shuts the door. I look at my bag for a quick second then remember I wanted to make sure to hang up a shirt. When I open the closet, there's already some of Tegan's stuff, including leather boots. "Eugh. Tegan." I say to myself and hang the shirt up. My clothes better not smell from those. I set my suitcase on the side of my bed facing Tegan's and flop onto the mattress. Hard, loud mattress. Oddly enough, I like it. It's comforting from so many days on the road. I would take a hotel mattress over a bunk in the bus any day. Having a tiny bunk does have its perks though. More privacy… forced privacy. Can't hide anything in a tour bus. Which is a life saver for me, the one with no fucking self-control.

I close my eyes and listen. There are faint footsteps above us and a quiet tv. I try to figure out what's on the tv but it's too quiet. I like to think about how much easier those people's lives are. It's odd to think how completely different we are, and yet for one night, we're on the same little life path, in this hotel room, in the same city, on the same hard mattresses. I can hear the shower. Tegan's in there. I like her shampoo she uses, it smells like strawberries. I wonder if she's washing her hair right now. Or her arms. Maybe she's shaving her legs. I hear her sing, "_all I need to hear is that you're not mine, you're not mine. All I need to hear is that you're not mine, you're not mine…" _

"I'm not yours." I whisper. Jesus, who was I kidding? Of course I'm hers. I'm nobody else's but hers. Forever. Fuck.

I lay there until I hear the shower turn off then I sit up and turn the tv on and start flipping through channels mindlessly.

Through the door I hear "Sara"

"What!"

"Can you bring me my bag!" Jesus Tegan. I get up and grab her bag and stand outside the door. She opens the door with a simple towel around her waist.

"Fuck, Tegan!"

"Thanks!" she simply says and shuts the door.

God. Why.

A minute later she comes out in pajama shorts and a tank top. "Anything good on?" she asks, completely ignoring what she had just done to me. I just shake my head. "Can you keep your boots out of the closet so my shirts don't smell like feet?"

"Ya" she says as she walks over and takes them back out.

"Thank you"

"Welcome"

The crappy alarm clock on the one night stand between us flashes 9:17. We have a radio interview to do at 9 tomorrow morning. I get my pajamas out of my suitcase and head to the bathroom. It's steamy in there and smells like strawberries. I quickly get my pj pants and t-shirt on and start brushing my teeth. When I come out Tegan's on her laptop on her bed. She's playing with her damp hair.

"You should see what some of these fan blogs say" she laughs. "They're pretty cray cray. Listen to this. This is on a caption of a photo of you in action on stage: 'I'm sorry I'm not sorry that I am eye fucking this pic right now. Totally objectifying Sara Quin'" She laughs.

"Creepy" I say with my eyebrows up. "Can't blame 'em though"

"Psh. I know!" She says. I scowl at her. "Hey Sara I'm serious! Those moves you do on the keyboard. Mmm"

"Shut the fuck up Tegan" I can't say anything around her. Even jokes. I pull out my book and get under the covers and start acting like I'm reading. I can see her smiling at her computer screen like a weirdo. Her hair is almost dry but it's all messy around her face. I love her hair long; I wish she kept it like that. She shut her laptop with more force than I would and said "Ted and Shaun are watching Final Destination 2 in Shaun's room, so we're good tonight." I was a little relieved, I guess.

I read for about half an hour longer while Tegan played on her phone. "Can I shut the light off?" I ask.

"Yeah"

I put my book on the nightstand and double check my alarm on my phone, then shut the light off. Tegan's face is glowing from her phone. She looks up at me. "I see you" she smiles. I just keep looking at her. "What" she asks.

"Nothing" I say "But your teeth look fabulous in that lighting" I joke. She laughs.

"Thaaanks."

She sets her phone on the nightstand and rolls over. I lay on my back with my eyes open thinking why does this always happen. It's dark and quiet and we're alone and there's an elephant in the room. I know I'm not gunna get much sleep tonight, no matter what happens. I feel defeated, I really do. But it's not Tegan's fault. And unfortunately I feel like she sometimes thinks it is. It's neither of our faults. We can't help it. We can't help it, right? I roll onto my side facing Tegan's bed. I can see the outline of her back. The curve of her body facing away from me. Is she awake? I wonder. I lay there watching her breathe for a while knowing I can't fall asleep.

When I roll over with a sigh, I hear Tegan roll over. "Did you say something?" I say.

"No" she says. She's still awake. I don't know why but that makes me happy.

"Sara?" she says, quietly, almost a whisper.

"What" I answer, staring at the wall. She doesn't have anything to say, I know this. I don't mind though.

After a few seconds I roll over to look at her. I can tell that her eyes are open looking back at me.

"…..Sara….. can I…?"

I lay there in silence for a minute before saying "Yes" very quietly.

Nothing but silence for another minute. "Tegan, yes."

She gets out of her bed and climbs into mine. Her legs are immediately warm and soft against me. We share my pillow and both close our eyes. I fall asleep to the smell of her strawberry shampoo.


	2. Chapter 2

"Good morning" Tegan said.

"Hmm.."

"Good morning, my Sara."

I opened my eyes to see identical eyes staring back at me. My Tegan.

"Ugh. Good morning."

"It's still early. Your alarm hasn't gone off yet."

"Fuck why are we awake?"

She shrugged and smiled. I have to admit she's a sight with her hair all messy and her hands under her face. I can't help but smile at her as I wonder if I look the same. She stares at me for a minute then leans in and pecks me right on the lips. "…Good morning, Tegan." I tell her.

"Good morning, Sara." She laughs. I roll over as I try to think of any other way I'd like to wake up, to no avail. Tegan scoots up against my back side and puts her arm above my waist and tucks her hand under my belly.

_Beep beep beep beep_

"Noooo" I hear Tegan say. It makes me smile. She uncurls herself from me to grab my phone and shut the alarm off.

"Seven o clock" she says as she sits up and stretches her arms up. She climbs off of my bed and onto hers to get her bag. I roll over to watch her. She was always the morning person. No wonder I was the coffee one. Ha. She sits on the edge of her bed with her back towards me and her suitcase at her feet.

"Does this match?" she asks, pulling out a black button-up and black pants. I just nod.

"Good" she says and takes off her tank top.

"Tegan" I protest "Can you not. Please."

"Why? Nobody else is in here besides you and-" she gestures to her body and then mine, "Not much difference here."

"Except I'm not attracted to my own body." I grumble. She smiles and walks towards my bed. I try to stop her but it's kind of hard when you don't want to. She climbs on top of me and puts her face close to mine.

"Well that's strange because I find your body very attractive." She whispers.

There's one look between us before I scoot my way out from under the blankets and put my hands on her face. I pull her close to me and press our lips together. I feel her arms come towards my sides and up my stomach, giving me chills. She reaches under my t-shirt and I feel her finger graze over my nipple. I let out a soft exhale and I feel her soft lips curve into a smile against mine. Damn it. I pull my face away to look at her but she keeps her eyes closed. When I feel her hands against my chest again I reach down and pull my shirt over my head and flip her over so that I'm on top. She looks at me and I look at her. My eyes move from her eyes down to her mouth, then her neck, then her chest, down her stomach, and land on her little green pajama shorts. I look back up to her and she gives me the slightest nod. Nobody else could have seen it, but I did. I kiss her again, more passionately this time and feel her hands tightly against my sides. Gripping my bare waist. I move my lips down her jaw to her neck. It's warm and I can feel her breathing. I move down to her chest where I start kissing. One at a time my tongue browses her nipples. Her breathing gets heavier and her hands move up to my chest.

"Sara" she breathes. I take my mouth down the middle of her stomach and stop to pull my hands around her waist. I grab her shorts and pull them down her legs, off of her ankles. I kiss her as I push my hip into her. She lets out a soft whimper that gives me shivers, so I do it again. She moans and I grab her hands and pull them up on the pillow in mine and hold them there as I move my mouth back down her body. She pulls her legs up around my waist and I kiss her where she wants to be kissed. I let my tongue find her sweet folds and press into them. Her legs wrap around me tighter and her breath quickens. Her hands are sweaty and squeezing mine. My tongue caresses her clit and I give a slight pull with my lips. She moans and pushes herself up against me so I push back with more force.

"Sara. Please. Now." She exhales. Quicker I move my tongue up and down, up and down her slit. Pushing my tongue inside of her, she whimpers and tightens her legs around me. I do it again, quicker, until her hands squeeze against mine and her legs constrict against me and she lets out a moan. Delicately, I kiss her hot, wet skin. Her legs relax around my sides and her breathing slows and I let go of her hands. She pulls my face up to hers and kisses me.

"Thank you."

"Mmm. You're welcome."

I roll off of her and off of the bed, into the bathroom where I try to ignore the familiar feeling of guilt in my gut as I brush my teeth and hair. We broke the streak, I thought to myself in front of the mirror. Although, I have to admit, it was a pretty shitty streak to begin with, and it wasn't even our doing! We were on a tour bus with ten people for four weeks before last night. It was a forced streak. Obviously. Because those are the only ones we can hold.. if that! I am disgusting. I shouldn't do this to Tegan. What about Lindsey for Christ's sake? Fuck. Don't we know better? We're not 18 in a basement anymore. Things should be different. But they're not. And I don't see things any different for as long as we're both alive. The split-second thought of Tegan not being alive with me gives me a gut wrenching pain of anxiety that I quickly have to shove away to the back of my mind.

"Hurry up! I have to pee!" I hear through the door.

"Sorry!" I say and let her in. "Do you want me to bring you breakfast or do you want to come down with me?"

"I'll come down with you." She said.

I nod and grab clothes out of my bag to change before Tegan comes out of the bathroom.

Ted, Johnny, and Shaun are eating breakfast at a table and laughing about something.

"I think there was a pink, shaved poodle trying to eat me but I was too big and he had this tiny mouth…"

They all crack up as Ted talks about his dream he had last night.

"Hey guys" Tegan says, "How was your movie night?"

"Great! Cheesy horror movies are the best!" Shaun laughs. I pour myself a cup of coffee and grab a piece of toast. Tegan gets a yogurt and a banana and sits down at an empty table. I join her.

"Sara you should eat more than that..."

I just look at her. She doesn't say anything else. We try to have a conversation about our plans for today but it kind of just trails off into silence. We didn't need to talk about it. Radio interviews are easy and familiar. Then it dawns on me that that's all we have to do today.

"Are we coming back here after or what?" I ask Tegan.

"I don't know, the guys are probably going to do something but I don't have any plans. What do you want to do?"

I shrug. "What's there to do in Minneapolis again?"

"I don't know, we could see a movie or something" I cringe. No. "Or not, Sara. Geez it sounds better than sitting in the hotel room all day."

I guess we should do something. I mean it might look odd if Tegan and I stayed cooped up in a hotel room all day. The guys would probably be worried one of us had murdered the other and we were trying to devise a plan to hide the other ones body or something. "We can see what's playing" I tell her.

She smiled at me. "You sure you want to? Ok. It's a date."

It's a date.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, uh, this next song.. I, uh, wrote… 100 years ago and uh.."

"Jesus, Sara, if you're that old, so am I!" Tegan laughed at me on stage. "Don't drag me into it too! Your fear of aging has nothing to do with me and I would much rather stay out of it." The audience cheers back at us.

Tegan likes the on stage banter more than I do. She's always the one egging the crowd on. They love her. She totally knows that and uses it to her advantage. I swear sometimes she takes things too far and I don't know how she gets away with it. "Anyway, it was a long time ago. And I don't particularly.. like playing.. it."

"It's great. She just doesn't like it because it's about me."

"No. No it's not about you, Tegan." This is what she does.

"It's ok, Sara." She joked. "I still like it. Come on, play your song." Ugh bitch.

"Here it is…"

I Bet It Stung. I try not to let my mind drift when I'm on stage, but tonight was different. It had been a week since Tegan and I were in the hotel room in Minneapolis. We were back on our bus and things were normal. I always hated the "normal" periods because it was like we were just waiting for the next slip-up. We knew it wasn't going to be like this for the rest of the tour. Next time we have a day off, we're in a different hotel room in the same fucking situation. I hate myself for anticipating it and that's why I try to stay as busy as possible on tour. Tegan doesn't care though. And in some ways I'm envious of her. She's the one that doesn't think things through and I'm the one that overthinks. The perfect fucking storm.

Tegan watches me when I'm on stage. Especially during the old songs. So I give her a quick glare and keep singing.

"Great show tonight girls." Matt tells us backstage.

"Thanks. I'm just surprised Tegan didn't fuck up once."

"I guess I was just in a good mood." She spat back at me. Why is she in a bad mood? I start to walk out when Tegan stands up.

"Sara. Can I talk to you?"

"Why?"

She points. "Bathroom?" Fuck. This could go two ways. I walk into the bathroom with Tegan trailing behind me. She shuts the door and stands against it. I walk over to the mirror and pretend to fix my hair.

"Lindsey is coming to my house on the 20th." I was supposed to stay with Tegan that week we had off. My apartment is having work done so I made plans to be away.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because she wants to, Sara. We haven't spent time with each other for almost three months. I owe it to her ." She was right. Lindsey is her girlfriend. Not me.

"Ok so do I have to find somewhere else to stay?"

"No." she says quickly "No. I still want you to come." Alright. Not a great idea.

"Tegan I don't think that's a very good idea.. I can just find somewhere else. Its only for a week.."

"No it's fine I already told Lindsey that you're staying and she's fine with it." I doubt it.

"Ok. This could have waited though, you know." She looks at me and shrugs. She just wanted to talk alone. This is the most privacy we've had in a few days. "You ok?" I ask.

"Mmhm. Tired."

"I'll go back to the bus with you then. We don't have to stay."

"Ok. Thanks, I'll let the crew know." I nod as she walks out the door.

All the boys apparently went to a club after the show, so we were alone in the bus. I got my pajamas on and sat on the couch with my book. Tegan sat down next to me with her laptop. Thinking about next week at Tegan's made me sad. I was looking forward to being alone with Tegan for a whole week. Nobody to hide from, just us at home. Of course I understand. Tegan and Lindsey were here to stay, and I was happy for both of them. I'm glad Tegan found someone she could live with other than me. She needs it.

"How's Linds?" I ask.

"Good. She really misses me though."

"I don't blame her." I say quietly. Tegan stays silent for a few minutes.

"Are you jealous?" she asks quickly. Yes.

"No." She looks at me like I said the wrong thing. "Tegan. You're supposed to have healthy relationships. I shouldn't be in the way fucking that up." She watches my mouth move with my words and looks back up to my eyes.

"…Not even a little jealous?" She pleads with her tiny smile. I watch her face and try to read her. I know she wants me to be jealous. Why? Suddenly I get nervous and I don't know what to say.

"Um, Tegan. I just… you know.. want you to be happy and it shouldn't matter if I'm jealous or not because it isn't fair for you or Lindsey, you know.. it doesn't matter if I'm jealous."

I just stared at her after I finished talking, hoping our twin minds could see through the lie. I get so jealous over Lindsey. Tegan truly loves her from the bottom of her heart. And I'm not just jealous for their relationship, but also for the fact that Tegan has someone else besides her sister. All I hear in my mind constantly is "Tegan you're mine. I'm yours. We're each other. We don't need anyone else but each other. It's just us." It's so hard. Why did we have to be born two people? It wasn't meant to be like this. We're supposed to be one person: a whole. That's why we feel so empty inside without the other. Always have and always will.

"Lindsey is never going to be my Sara." How does she still give me butterflies when she says things like that?

"Thanks, Tee." Oh god I want to kiss her. The way she watches me. She is so fucking gorgeous.

"Can I kiss you?" she sounds cautious. I guess she can read my mind. I nod slowly. She reaches her hand up and places it on my cheek. Her hand is warm. I put my hand on top of hers and she gently presses her lips against mine.

She mouths, "Love you." I inhale slightly against her lips. It's strange how little we actually say those words to each other. It's like, those words can't even compare to what we have for each other. It's more than just love. I can't describe it. I pull her face away from mine and look her square in the eyes.

"I love you, Tegan."

"You're so jealous." She smiles. I smile back and punch her in the arm.

"Ow you bitch!" Tegan laughs and punches me back. I tackle her and pin her down and kiss her once. She pulls at my shirt when I start getting up. "No Tegan the guys are gunna be back anytime." She sticks out her bottom lip. I take it with my thumb and finger and stick it back to normal. "No pouting." I say and get back on the couch.

"What are you doing on the floor?" I hear Johnny and Ted hollering from the door. They stomp up to us, clearly intoxicated.

"Ahem!" Tegan says, "Shoes off!" Rules of the bus. I shrug when Johnny glances at me and he laughs and collapses onto the couch.

"Alright goodnight you party animals." I say, getting up. I hear three slurred "goodnight's" back.

"Night Sara."

"Night Tee."


End file.
